There were symphonies screaming about how people's journeys were destined to continue side by side but I guess life decided not to listen to music that day and fate was a very weighty word to throw around. Because not every story that was filled with strife must be eventually crowned with happiness. Some stories end in tragedies and others just do; abruptly leaving so much void and questions unanswered.
And you know what is worse than dealing with loss? It’s not that their heart stopped beating, but it’s that your heart still does and you start blaming yourself a million times for it -Call it survivor’s guilt or whatever…..I don’t care. You weren’t prepared to deal with such loss. You were never taught how to look into your friend’s eyes and see anguish beneath those false smiles he is improvising to cover up the fact he is still in deep seated, unrelenting pain. They tell you wounds heal and scars fade over time but how can they when you are never really the same. You try to learn how to get over things the way other people do; you drown yourself in work and in writing to keep your head distracted but you fail and you have to get through every ounce of grief that’s left inside your broken heart.
If I could see my whole life from start to finish, would I change things? Maybe I’d say what I felt more often, I want to be ready when the time comes. And now, I am only seeing a chasm filled with stuff I kept unsaid. I want to write letters, I want to write letters to everyone; To my mom and dad, and tell them I appreciate all the devotion they showed. To my sisters, to tell them they are the best sisters a brother can have. To my friends to tell them that I enjoyed the nameless moments we spent together. I want to confess my love to the girl I fell in love with. I want to tell everybody that hurt me in the past that I forgive them in my heart; not just words this time. I want them to read these letters alone when I am dead. However, these letters are meant to be my contingency plan …. in case I was ever too late. I don’t know if I will ever get the luxury of time but I intend to make the best out of what I have left.
And you know what is worse than dealing with loss? It’s not that their heart stopped beating, but it’s that your heart still does and you start blaming yourself a million times for it -Call it survivor’s guilt or whatever…..I don’t care. You weren’t prepared to deal with such loss. You were never taught how to look into your friend’s eyes and see anguish beneath those false smiles he is improvising to cover up the fact he is still in deep seated, unrelenting pain. They tell you wounds heal and scars fade over time but how can they when you are never really the same. You try to learn how to get over things the way other people do; you drown yourself in work and in writing to keep your head distracted but you fail and you have to get through every ounce of grief that’s left inside your broken heart.
If I could see my whole life from start to finish, would I change things? Maybe I’d say what I felt more often, I want to be ready when the time comes. And now, I am only seeing a chasm filled with stuff I kept unsaid. I want to write letters, I want to write letters to everyone; To my mom and dad, and tell them I appreciate all the devotion they showed. To my sisters, to tell them they are the best sisters a brother can have. To my friends to tell them that I enjoyed the nameless moments we spent together. I want to confess my love to the girl I fell in love with. I want to tell everybody that hurt me in the past that I forgive them in my heart; not just words this time. I want them to read these letters alone when I am dead. However, these letters are meant to be my contingency plan …. in case I was ever too late. I don’t know if I will ever get the luxury of time but I intend to make the best out of what I have left.
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