Covered in lead.

This morning, I hated my mug with the words "Do more of what makes you happy" encrypted on it, I let it slip inbetween my fingers like paper. I didn't brush my teeth first thing or take a shower. Rather, I stayed motionless in bed. My mom made me the breakfast I never laid my hands on. Today, I feel out of character. Really out. I'm having one of those out-of-body experiences, and to be honest, I'm not very fond of the photograph I'm about to see. I don't love the body I was incarcerated in. I'm an object slowly drowning into a thousand disguises I should have worn. I try to swim my way out but I'm anchored by all the books I read, all the movies I loved, all the people I cared for and left. There will always be this layer of lead surrounding me, preventing me from grasping the marvels of the world. If only I could touch it, smash it into a million pieces before it changes into fog. My pain is wearing a bulletproof vest underneath his garment. My pain is laughing in my face as I weep.

The saddest truth is that I can't even begin to share my unwritable pain with anyone. It's not the kind of pain that knocks on your door in the middle of the night pointing a gun at your chest, it doesn't even say your name before it fires the Goddamn bullet. I wish it did, I wish I knew what night he will be standing at my doorstep. Maybe, I could hide a baseball bat behind my shoe closet or maybe I'll be sitting in my couch, I'll invite him over and beg him to take my life. The unwritable pain never came to collect his debt. I doubt I could ever sense his presence, An unwelcomed guest, always. I wish I could one day stand up to him and yell, "NO, I forbid you from taking control over my life again".

I never muttered those words. My lips have been sewn together by none other than my cowardice. So, I drag my ass out of bed eventually, hold on tightly to my memoir mug and thank my mom for breakfast. Put yourself in my shoes and tell me.. What am I supposed to do when they take away your voice? Scream into oblivion? Wait till a passerby lends me his? That's exactly what I'm waiting for once the masks fell off. There's nothing but nerves and bones, and it's the muscles and flesh that you need to articulate what you want to say and I'm lacking both.